Posted by: kaitagsd | August 12, 2009

Doing well?

Setting high goals and high expectations without a keen sense of direction as to how I’m going to jump those hurdles has certainly taken its massive mental toll on me in the past few days.

That feeling… of studying at the last minute… sucks. Its pressurizing, ineffective, burdening, and brings out all the pessimism you can possibly have that has been stored inside you.

Tracing back to the roots, I can only conclude I have a worse sense of danger, responsibility than most people who take themselves and life seriously. I find myself always passively not “eating that frog”, procrastinating, delaying, leaving all the troubles to the future where I expect myself to “grind 5 hours at 100% concentration and I’ll be done, NP!”; and since when the hell have I been able to grind more than 40 minutes at even 70% concentration?

Read two paragraphs of text, have no idea what it means, go watch some badminton rally on YouTube.

Friend messages me, and if he brings up a topic I’m interested in, I’ll spend time on Wiki or YouTube looking it up.

Yep, that’s exactly me. Even worse, I would have gone to play some games of DotA to refresh my mind. Thing is, that game really burns me out mentally if I concentrate.

Summed up in one word: Failure

To the point where the term “doing well”, “consistency”, “a good performance”, mystifies me to no end. I know its all hard work, smarts, determination, perseverance, blah blah blah. Taking that first step and keeping it going is utterly hard for me right now.

And as always, I will have a “solutions” at the bottom of the post to tell myself how I would logically solve the problem, and here it is:

Stfu, don’t go on your computer, and just do it.

Thing is, something like that is so vague and really requires that initial burst of momentum. Instead of finding solutions that turn out hopeless in the end, why don’t I first examine myself…

I’m doing so bad in school right now because I have always been able to cruise through school without much difficulty. I feared my mom at times and I would study. I didn’t always have a computer. But come to think of it, I didn’t do exceptionally well in high school either. I would always procrastinate, mess up on tests, quizzes, miss a homework or two, and end up cramming. Thing is, high school is much easier and is crammable.

But I never grew up mentally, and to this day, think I can own everything just by spending “10 hours of full concentration” the night before the final.

Fuck.

None of this obviously works. At best, I would need to go to most classes, pay attention, take notes, listen, review anything I don’t know, and get things over with.

So now another problem comes to mind: consistency.

In no matter what I do, my consistency, simply put, is “fail.” Half the time when I’m playing DotA, I get into an emotional downturn and I stop trying, or I get too cocky. I can never display a constant, solid performance in no matter what situation. And that’s a friggin’ game. What about in badminton? Whenever I’m with a not-so-good partner, I stop trying as well. Whenever I’m behind by more than 5 points, I stop trying as well. That all attributes to a very weak, suffering, vulnerable, and inconsistent mentality. Or personality if you would like to add.

I haven’t found my end yet, but I almost have. End meaning a complete breakdown, where I realize I’ve been half-assing, being a failure my whole life, but yet I dwell upon it, unwilling to improve my set of thinking, because my weaknesses are the same reason why I still have so many weaknesses. I am in some infinite loop that I can’t get out of, and the only way I can get out is if I suddenly push myself. I hate that feeling you know? I hate having to try. Because I’m scared of doing well for some reason. I’m also scared of sucking. I end up doing nothing at all… procrastinating, procrastinating.

And for once, this post won’t have a conclusion. I simply feel quite lost right now.

Time will tell, I hope.


Responses

  1. I know you posted this over two years ago, and I hope you’ve found a workable manner to cope with this kind behaviour. If you did, I congratulate you and the rest of this message is moot.
    If you didn’t, or if someone else who reads this recognises this behaviour, you might want to read up on underachievement.

    I’m in the middle of “Bright minds, poor grades” By M.D. Whitley, and it describes this kind of self defeating procastrination exactly.

    I know some things might be confrontational, and it’s not a miracle cure, but it helps to gain insight in the motivation behind these actions.


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