Posted by: kaitagsd | January 1, 2010

New Year

just to leave some memories, thought id post something at the start of 2010

i think every year everyone has resolutions
but in reality, those thoughts probably fade within a few days

most people are so incapable of carrying out change consistently
well at least i know i cant change properly

what is change anyway..
and why do we desire it so much

is it to make yourself happy?
more fulfilling?
meet other people’s, society’s standards?

sometimes i just lose track
i dont know what or why i want to change

if its to impress other people, i think thats just trying to be a show off
if its to make mroe money, thats just greed in the end
or perhaps, i want to make this world a better place..
but u know. what can i do right

theres always so much i want to do
but nothing ever comes out
my sense of direction keeps changing

in the beginning of last year, i was still relatively immature… and lost
went on a fun ski trip.. maybe it was because i didnt have to pay much
got some really bad marks
almost thought id get kicked out of college… but didnt
really distanced myself away from some of my friends
(i blame myself for not having more integrity… because the people around you shouldnt affect you to a large extent if you hold your values tight)
started badminton again but i dont think i was dedicated enough
the usual ups and downs of confidence
finally did okay in school, but i dont think it was so much legit… my effort was really half-assed

and im still lost

a new term started
indulged in forex, lost some money
bought some stuff, spent my money wrong… as i always do

What i really hate myself doing is..
not being able to get off the computer
cockblocking myself all the time
.. no not just the females.. but in all contexts

i feel … felt… a potential in me has always existed
but denied it every time

and in the end i think
success really depends on how well you think you can control your situation…. from your very own effort… aka. internal locus of control

and in more simpler words, the ability to come back to face failure and get through it time after time

i always sit at home and after some time my confidence increases
and i think i can do things efficiently. like play badminton like lin dan
or talk smoothly
or handle things like a mature adult

but something always goes wrong
that gap between my real self and my ideal self
its way too big
i fall into it every time
and so my confidence takes really steep drops
over and over

heh

and what should i be doing this new year?

i really want to hide off the computer, msn, quit games…
and develop who i really am
confidence in the self
i m not going to go for what society idealizes
i think its pointless
to just be average
its a sure fire way to be average… by doing what everyone else does

i hate talking to people sometimes

maybe i have social anxiety
maybe i have ADD, i dont know

but trying to make people excited
happy in a conversation
continuing..
its just so daunting to me
its like i was born to be an observer..
spectator.
its disgusting
so this is something i really dont know what to do

hey, maybe id be happier if i was really socially capable
because id talk well with everyone

but another side of me is immensely selfish
id like to have lots of friends
but i dont have the time to talk with them
i dont give a shit about other people, really
sometimes I do.
but most of the time I don’t.
in fact, id love to see everyone fail
because it’d make me feel pro

of course there are those i care about
but not much.
at times i wish i would be more genuine
its a goal of mine this year……

and id thought id take some time to say who i really am.
i love learning (besides school) about most things
i like anything emotional… tear-jerking dramas, really nostalgic songs
stuff like that
its as if i were feminine inside

and my ideal self is just too far away from my real self

as long as this gap exists, i think ill still be a weird prick

Sorry

2009:…
happiest time: perhaps my birthday .. sorta? ive hardly been happy
saddest: april ish, when I thought i’d fail my courses even tho i already failed UBC… wtf.
regrets: not changing
loves: none
what i should have done: stop going out, not take stupid courses, just get the hell back in U…
quit the drinking, quit the smoking, play more piano
dedicate to badminton, continue working out
not play dota, at least watch more Jdrama.. theyre real good.

2010: shorten the gap (laughs)

Happy New Year to all of you.


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