Posted by: kaitagsd | June 25, 2010

Rock Bottom

Hitting rock bottom really has its effects on your mind.

It makes you think… have I been wrong all along? It causes a period of rapid change within you. It makes you want to suddenly live better to prevent disasters from ever occurring again.

Well so what?

Sometimes you really have been living wrong. These disasters cause you to change for the good.

Without them, you might just continue doing things the wrong way.

Its been quite a while since I’ve had a disaster. They were usually small scale, causing temporary frustrations. Probably some healthy stress, or worse a pre-exam slump or procrastination spree that causes a lot of tension within. But these so-called disasters are a bit worse. They kill you. The last time I had a real one was probably back in grade 11. Obviously, it couldn’t have been school-related. A boy-girl thing. Quite unhealthy for the heart and mind, as it causes your world to seemingly shatter for weeks and months on end. Made me turn, for a lack of a better word, “emo.”

I’ve really come a long way since then, and also since the time when I first failed out of university. Some things were learned, some things were not learned. I wish to really learn those things now.

I’ve been too calculative, too analytical a person. Not a good thing in my case, if you thought I was about to brag. Always selfish, not taking into account what other people might be feeling or thinking. And even if I knew, I would do my own thing anyway. I would be calling everything a waste of time.

I have all these pessimistic notions about life in general. If I think of learning something new, I immediately visualize myself grinding, practicing endlessly with no signs of satisfication, only to realize I don’t like what I’m doing anymore. That itself turns me off. Or maybe constantly telling myself why I might not be able to do something, when I would have liked to do it in the first place. My failure of self-discipline feeds itself, as I regularly feed my bad habits a nice healthy meal.

Right now, I really want to do away with all these generalizations, stereotypes, and whatever is plaguing me from living optimistically and healthily. No more assumptions, no more self-punishments, no more crap.  I understand that changing for the good is tough, requires many days of persistence, and a strong unbreakable will. I won’t let that seemingly tough path ahead stop myself anymore. Just live without regrets, and try not to rough yourself up too much. Simplicity always prevails in the end.

To anyone out there struggling (I consider academics a nightmare, but I have never experienced serious illnesses, deaths of friends or family, or anything of that sort, so I do not understand how most people feel in a sense), remember to believe in yourself, and those around you that care about you. Do a good deed as often as you can, because you never know when you might need help and support from those around you.


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