Posted by: kaitagsd | January 9, 2011

Real vs. Ideal

In my theory most people accept their image of themselves. They are content with what they have, whether it be appearance or wealth or status. By most I mean those with normal personality traits. Though these people would probably desire a bit more money or better facial features, deep down they are content – they do not go overly depressed about it.

Based on observation, I am probably not normal. My self-image issues are majorly scarring my self-esteem and confidence, to a level that its not very funny. For example, height issues probably go on in my head 80% of the time when I am in public places. My jealousy emotions fire up a little whenever I see a guy with a decent girlfriend and I immediately calm myself down by saying that I am probably smarter and better looking. I see random people at the badminton center and deep inside my subconscious is telling me how they are ugly and they make too many mistakes. Aren’t those just perfect examples of insecurity? Often the negativity you feel inside you is just a reflection of what you really feel about yourself.

So back to the discussion of real vs. ideal.

I am not content with what I really perceive myself as, and how I act like in front of others. I am going to either have to wear a mask 24/7, or going to change it. I think I’ll do a bit of both.

So what really is ideal? Of course perfection cannot be achieved, but something close is possible. Being introverted and shy is obviously never going to get you anywhere, because you are losing opportunities at an exponential rate. Imagine if an extroverted outgoing person connects at 10x the rate an introverted person does – eventually the extroverted’s network will be billion-fold (well no, but he’ll get to meet the people he wants pretty damn quick), much better than the introverted’s ‘waiting for the right person to come along before networking’ approach.

Be yourself? Come on. Being myself is probably not going to get me a good job, a girlfriend, and an optimistic outlook on life anytime soon. Probably not for the rest of my life.

One of my weakest departments is conversations. The only topics I really like to talk about are my own problems and things I like. To be honest, I really do not give an absolute shit about anything around me, or how funny something is. To the point where half the time when I have a small-talk type conversation with someone, it ends in awkward silence in less than 2-3 lines. Girls are even worse. Since I understand girls are more sensitive towards physical contact, I am constantly making an effort to avoid touching them by accident. Big mistake – men are supposed to use what is known is “kino” (touching the female on purpose at random times) to test for a positive reaction. But I digress, the game with woman is another topic that is not a high priority for me at the moment. Most men struggle with it in some way anyway.

I hate starting a conversation, in fact it haunts me. What usually goes through my head is one of these questions:

“What the fuck do I say. A question? State a fact? Ask for an opinion?”

Questions – unless they are really worth asking, I think they are pointless. Like hey, are those new glasses? Nice shirt where’d you get it? I find them pointless and awkward even though most people do it.

State a fact – usually is the highest conversation killer for me. The other person either states his own fact in return or just agrees, or nods and says OK. There isn’t much to continue off there.

Ask an opinion – again, unless its a really good question, there is really nothing to ask about. Most of the time I feel that I am going over the top anyway by asking questions.

Since conversations don’t flow to me unless they are about something emo, depressing, or philosophical, I am going to have to develop a mechanical method for conversations.

I’ll be mentally having a list of things to say, and I will know what works or not.

How?

Research and practice.

Whether this will work or not, I will have to try to see.

Observing others is probably an even easier method, because I won’t have to experience things first-person to see what works and what doesn’t.

That would be step 1 of the plan. Mechanically practicing for good conversations.

Step 2 – as I get better at conversations, I will convince my mind to agree with the fact that I am a decent socializer.

Step 3 – as consistency grows higher, my self-image and confidence will become more congruent. I will not have to rely on things such as credentials and ego to pray to god that I will be extroverted on some particular day.

Step 4 – start working at the things I want. Still going mechanical. Detached emotions. Perceive women as objects, just prizes with scores attached to them. Meet the people I want to meet, using advanced social skills to drive off the ones I don’t want.

So why does this sound so systematic? What is the fun of life like that?

I believe I have been given a mind that cannot stop spewing analytical bullshit to save my life, so all I can really do is use that as a weapon. I am someone who is highly attached to emotions, and letting that defeat me every other day is going to get me nowhere as well. I rather live with a mask, get what I want at day and then cry at night than be a shy, introverted, beta ass faggot everyday hoping for the right person and situation to come along and light the happy campfire for me.


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