Posted by: kaitagsd | January 19, 2011

Confession

Its sometimes sad to realize that I am completely self-centered. Whenever I feel like expressing something, its usually about myself. Most things I do are for the benefit of myself only. If I ever help anyone, its because I know they can offer me back something of value later on. Very rarely will I help someone out of sheer sincerity. Maybe to my closest friends.

When my mind has room to wander or daydream, the thoughts churned out are usually in the form of an ideal me doing something great. It might be me getting some scholarship, or receiving the great praise of my superiors at a future co-op job, or getting a round of applause from all my relatives for my achievements, or being the life of a party, or telling my parents I got accepted into medical school. All very self-centered. I don’t know whether this is normal or not based on my lack of proper rich exposure to other people, but I am pretty sure most people that have siblings care about other people more, such as their family at least. I seem to take everything for granted and get a bit annoyed when I have to spend my time helping others – after all, why help others when I can help myself? That’s a very dangerous thought right there.

I’m currently stuck in this negative cycle of having a poor self-image. I have proposed two methods to fixing this: read Psychocybernetics by Dr. Maxwell Maltz and apply his techniques, and try to engage in a high rhythm life. The book mentioned is the founding father of the field of self-help, and I believe many proven techniques in there will help me. One problem – I have a habit of finding really good resources and materials, thinking life will be easy and my problems solved, then not really doing anything after. So the only way to fix my problem is to hard-counter another problem. Problem, problem, problems. My whole post is like a problem itself – I’d love to blog about the wonders of the world or some really cool self-discipling technique, but all I give a shit about right now is myself.

A high rhythm life will hopefully take me out of a similar loop: I always find something to be depressed about. When I have tests and quizzes, I obviously worry about the mark I’ll get. When there’s a girl in my life, I worry all about what to do with her next, how I am going to get into her pants. When a friend gives me a cold response, I’ll wonder if he’s starting to hate me. When there’s none of those to worry about, I’ll just get depressed about the basics: I need a better car, I need more money, I need to be more physically imposing, I need more friends, I need more skills, and the list goes on and on and on.

Having a high rhythm life for me means I have a semi-flexible but set out schedule of activities, mostly self-improving for now, to engage it. Go to class and sit in the front row, pay attention, go home and review a little bit, then read some self-help book, learn some foreign language, talk to a friend if I have to, don’t try to play computer games, and then hopefully I won’t get EMO.

I’ve never been a fan of schedules. I always break down because I get depressed. I think life is sad when you have to stick to some schedule. When I’m free, I get depressed of having too many options and being indecisive. Overall, you could say my outlook on life is pretty tarnished and beta.

_____

ON another completely different topic now. Just a thought.

Do you think personalities can be permanently changed? The way you react to things, your attitude… are they just habits? And habits can be modified can they not?

I hope so. In all honesty, if I were to be as successful as I’d hope to be, I’d need a complete personality change. I won’t list traits, but here are some examples of situations I’d like to act differently in.

You are eating in a table with a group of friends. Silence, be it awkward or not, suddenly looms over everyone. No one talks. I want to be the one who breaks it first, always.

Friend is slightly unhappy. I read his face and his body language, I realize this, I put in an effort to cheer him or her up.

Hot girl is introduced to me by a friend. Instead of trying to force my face to form the most aesthetic facial expressions to capture her attention, I kindly get up, look at her in the eye, smile, introduce myself, handshake, and talk to her, making her laugh and feel that we are suitable to befriend each other in the process (and not with the intention of anything beyond that…). After all, you should have a lot to talk about with someone you’ve just met. You don’t know anything about her and vice versa!

Is it really hard to do those above then? Most people with a proper decent personality can. Its socially natural. It would feel really awkward for me to suddenly do one of those with people I already know – perhaps I pay too much attention to myself, take myself too seriously. And also, I do lack the confidence and balls to suddenly become the center of attention, or just try something new. In my mind, I have this combination of the ultimate downfall of a human personality there can be, just glad that I’m not actually diagnosed with any disorders yet (and sometimes I think I do).

After all, what makes me happy? Fostering good relationships with other people, having a great time. Yet usually, for one of these reasons or another, that doesn’t happen:

The other person is not the same race.

Not the same interests.

Different upbringing and background.

The other person isn’t seeking friendships (bullshit, because I doubt anyone dislikes company).

Bad conversation – no rapport built, no jokes, all serious, trivial talk.

A true ideal personality should be able to be friends with anyone – even if the friendship doesn’t grow stronger. It doesn’t have to, but at least I’d rather be able to see an acquaintance on the street and be comfortable – both me and him/her – to go sit down, grab a coffee, and chat, instead of just the brief awkward, eye-contact lacking “hi” “hey” “yo” “sup” exchanging.

 

I do not have much of a plan of action besides reading a book and growing some balls. After all, to improve in almost anything, you have to get out there and try. Even if you fail. It all sounds easy sometimes, and I love simplifying the process. But there is no real shortcut, and I know this deep down inside. And without this more ideal personality, nothing is going to go my way. I’ll be constantly be slower in meeting and discovering new opportunities and connections than a person with a better personality, and that would lead to a less desirable future, career, life, and relationships with other people. If I can dictate my own demise, why can’t I dictate my own growth?

 


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