Posted by: changheuk | February 7, 2011

Figuring this out

I’ve sidelined myself so much from society sometimes that I feel sick. Sick of being analytical, jumping to conclusions, thinking I’m harboring some observing thoughts that are on another level of those who live their “everyday” lives. Such is a problem itself. Am I not just another everyday person in the eyes of others, and as a result branded as some stereotype too?

About conforming. I’m getting into a very heavy habit of whether to conform or not these days. And just about everything that has to do conforming strikes my nerves. By conforming, I mean whether you should be doing what everyone else should be doing. Facebook-ing, watching dramas or TV shows, playing video games, small talk for long amounts of time (what they call “chilling”), constantly texting on their phones, etc. What I hate about conforming is the fact that I am putting myself on the same speed of progressing in life as most other people. What I hate about thinking about the whole conforming thing is perhaps, like I mentioned, that I have become too sidelined. Its almost as if I wander out of my physical body to analyze myself and others every single day.

Sometimes I want to just be that cheerful, responsible, outgoing, likable person. But instead most of the time, I feel like more or less I’m forcing myself to do the opposite. I’m not sure what it is, but I feel like its a shield. The causes can be traced back to probably a combination of thousands of childhood and teenage events, but lets not get into that. I really hate it, but at the same time, if I suddenly act that way, even if just for a minute, perhaps people will find it weird. Well who gives a damn if other people find it weird? Should I even care about what other people even think about? No, because that would just be conforming and seeking approval from others right? That’s downright beta.

So who am I exactly? Is this shielded, egotistic, negative me really the true myself? If it is, it has to be changed, because it won’t succeed in this world. This world. To succeed in this world, more or less you have to conform for a bit of time. I hate conforming. Yet I’m conforming. What a mess.

Sometimes I see pictures or profiles of people and I feel like I’m living wrong. I feel like I really shouldn’t go on Facebook, play stupid video games, chill and talk about crap when I haven’t accomplished jackshit. But now if I go back to the hermit style self-improvement mode, it really brings me down to an emotional low that I cannot rise up from unless I socially interact. If I socially interact and converse with close friends, I’ll just be talking about the same old crap again: me, people around me, and them. That probably impedes my social ability rather than improve it.

At the end of the day, if I say to myself “don’t think, nothing really matters, just live your life”, isn’t that conforming?


To be honest, if there was one thing I could really do, is that I rather lose the ability to think and analyze. They say ignorance is bliss.


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